Thursday, July 13, 2006

New toy!

My high school friends and I used to spend inordinate amounts of time doing self- and peer-analysis. Usually this centered around which color, bird, Muppet, or fruit one should be and why. Sometimes we turned to more visual classification, using the dubious images of people and things in our mathematics and biology textbooks as control options. It was not so much "science" as "revenge for offenses real or imagined," but we LOVED it.

It's a good thing we didn't have this:

Through a stroke of luck, I found this on another blog, and in honor of this FABULOUS new invention, and while I still have your attention for like the next thirty seconds before you begin searching through your digital pictures for a good one to try, I will narrate my exploration of those "matches" as though it were an argument "back in the day."

Match #1: I had no idea who Marianne Faithfull was until I looked her up. She is an English singer-songwriter with decades in the music biz who was once a girlfriend of Mick Jaggar. Cool for the music, and hopefully she's gotten over her bad taste in men. Thanks!

Match#2: Slap some red eyeliner on me and the resemblance with Daryl Hannah is striking, no? Yeah, no.

Match #3: Tata Young what now? Never heard of 'er. Oh, a hugely successful Thai pop star? Cool. Except, uh, I'm not Asian, nor have I ever been mistaken for a person of that ethnic derivation? Maybe we'll just for get the "Thai" part and just say "foreign" because SHE STAYS.

Match #4: You've got another pop star for me? Who? ASHLEE FREAKIN SIMPSON?!? I am SO not talking to you anymore, Celebrity Recognition Machine. I MEAN IT THIS TIME. (slams door)

Match #5: Martina McBride and I have the hair most strikingly in synch, but on second glance we have similar facial structures including smile lines, nose shape and some cheekbone contouring. The heart shape of her face is out of synch with my oval visage, but otherwise, BRAVO, CRM, you're back in from the cold.

Match #6: Okay, seriously? I look like Barbara Streisand HOW, exactly? Forget it, and I'm taking back that scarf I permanent-loaned you.

Match #7: MONICA LEWINSKY?!?! (pulls out clump of hair, promptly screams, then opens address book, dials) "Hi, Josh? It's Erica. Um, I don't know how to start this call, but I feel like I should tell you since you just started dating CRM. She pees her bed, cheats on her homework, and I think she still loves Hanson. I felt like you should know."

Ah, the good old days of high school. I should note several things here:

1. My friends and I never really fought like that. Considering that one of them thought I should be the watermelon instead of something small and cute like a strawberry when we were classifying which fruit everyone was, that is truly shocking. Also, I couldn't be the color red, instead I had to be pink. I hated pink. And then I was CAMILLA THE CHICKEN from the Muppets. Oh my gosh, worst. friends. ever.

2. MyHeritage requires registration. If you're one of those privacy hawks, fair warning. I broke my ban on registering for random and otherwise useless sites because HELLO, I BET I TOTALLY LOOK LIKE AUDREY HEPBURN! I now know I do not (fair warning, idealists).

3. I think this thing needs a little work because out of all the matches it gave me (these were the ones within a 72-60% tolerance), I think ONE might be decent. BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD, peeps.

Well, after that, I'm all tuckered out. Later ex-high-school friends!*

*I know you know I'm kidding, but I'm such a bad prankster that I can't avoid the disclaimer that I TOTALLY STILL LOVE YOU GUYS, SNIFF. It's worse now that I've spent the last hour reminiscing about you. Much Love, E


Mair said...

Ok - my closest match (67%) was Charlotte Church. I also was matched with Julia Roberts and Kate Hudson (i don't think I look like either!) There goes Josh's theory that I look just like Claire Danes!

Jackscolon said...

This thing doesn't work- it matched me with Scarlett Johannson, John Glenn, and some weird asian girl. Maybe I should use a picture where I have shorter hair...

Jackscolon said...

Nope. This time I got Claudia Schiffer and Pedro Martinez.

Mair said...

I did it a second time with a different picture, and you'll never guess who they said I looked like - MICHAEL JACKSON! Yes, ladies in gentleman, JACKO!! This thing is a crock!

Jackscolon said...

Actually, I can kinda see that...

Just kidding, at least you're both white women...

J. Morgan Caler said...

Condoleezza Rice, Ted Kaczynski, Roger Federer, Quentin Tarantino, Tom Hanks, and Joshua Jackson.