Thursday, October 19, 2006

Wanna see my bug collection?

Thanks for any and all thoughts, communications and prayers. I've made relatively large leaps since last night, so yes, thanks for that. I threw on a bathrobe and trudged downstairs last night as a sort of last resort, but it reminded me again of what an ally words can be for me.

I tend to think in metaphors, so here comes a whopper, and I'm sorry if this one is stretched thin but I'm sure anyone who's really bothered by badly-done conceits has stopped reading out of sheer frustration by now.

My observations became a pin that secured this particular episode onto a display and added it to my collection of pests. Over the life of this blog, I've done this several times. I'm getting a tidy little sampling of tough mental episodes. Knowing that they're mine, that I've captured some of their essence and studied each terrifying angle, each logic-shattering feature of these funks makes me feel a little more of that elusive hope.

There's something about "facing one's fears" that's important when you're in that well. Quantifying, classifying, understanding the pain is key for me because that's how I am with anything. I want a big picture, and I want to know everything about something before I have to do/believe/act on/challenge anything. It took an hour from start to finish to write that post - the damn thing kept buzzing out of my grasp - the sorrow obscuring my thoughts. I kept thinking, though, that the best way to capture the pest was to do so while it was still buzzing around my head, unlike the rest of my posts which came from the other side, from a safe distance away. Maybe, maybe not, but between the concerted effort to understand and my prayer, I was able to climb back upstairs and sleep.

Hubster thinks I do battle with these bugs because I "have greater emotional range than most people." I tend to think my highs would be higher if that were the case. I really have no idea anymore. Ironically, I went out for lunch with KL the afternoon before and mentioned that I'd been having a rough patches for the past few weeks, but things had been getting better recently. I'm starting to think that though "pride goes before a fall," it's more often hope that comes before my falls, and that's more than a little terrifying. But these intimate posts help me feel like hope is not futile - the pain may return, but I can still fight it.

Look I'm tired, and I've still struggled today to find purpose, peace, strength of some kind. I want to this to be better, but I'm too tired to keep cranking this out. So instead of punishing myself, I'm going to keep myself going with proper rest and hope that you might want to see my bug collection another day. Good night, friends.

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