Monday, April 16, 2007

Selected Readings in Pop Culture

Today, I'll be taking selected readings from Dove Dark Chocolate wrappers.

"Remember your first everything."
Can anyone see what's wrong with this sentiment? It might be important to remember the first time you left the country for exotic climes or even the first time you had sex, but the first time you took a step? Kinda not possible. And the first time you noticed your mother had colored her hair? That has GOT to be crowding out a pin number.

"Wink at someone driving past today."
Sue Dove for damages when the crash is ruled to be your fault.

"Age is nothing but a number."
Not so much an imperative as a cliche. Also, age is associated with privileges and restrictions, so you know, YOU'RE TOTALLY WRONG, DOVE.

"Send a love letter this week."
Bite me.

"Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses."
Yes, but sometimes that means he's a miser whom you should drop like a bad habit. Think about it.

"Write a real letter, not just an email."
What's the deal with hating on email? Seriously, people, I can avoid writing an email just as steadfastly as writing a letter. Okay, you stressed out over whether the USPS had upped rates since Christmas when you bought 80 Santa stamps, which you are now ashamed to use. Is it a little warm in here, or is it just the caring?

"Flirting is mandatory."
Somehow, I think a man wrote this - a man who's bad at flirting. So sad.

And my personal favorite:
"Watch reruns, they replay your memories."
Um, WHAT?!? Either this is a failed metaphor or they think we live in front of the TV, and with the epidemic levels of obesity I keep hearing about, maybe dessert purveyors shouldn't be recommending a sedentary lifestyle.

Lesson for the Day: Don't read the wrappers; just eat the chocolate. Class Dismissed.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

My friends and I frequently eat the Dove Promises at Bible study and laugh at the stupid sayings. Here are some of our faves:

"Buy yourself flowers."

"When hearts race, both win."

-the Churro

Mair said...

flirting is mandatory for what? seems like this one could get you into a little trouble if inappropriately understood and applied.

E.A.P said...

Churro - you and your friends rocks. Keep on snarkin'.

Mair - I KNOW! It's just the dumbest categorical imperative ever. Kant would be ashamed.

Yax said...

Your commentary is too funny. If I ever have a chocolate factory, I'm hiring you to write the sayings inside the wrappers.

Bee said...

While I agree that the sayings do tend to be pretty ridiculous, I just have to say... You must have been in a really perky mood when you wrote that post. (sense the sarcasm?)

Sarah said...

I think Dove is overcompensating to the disgruntled single, and pissing everyone off. Because really, when is any of that advice practical?

And I agree about the hating on email. I suck just as badly at writing emails as I do at writing letters. The only regular correspondence I keep up is with my grandparents, and that's because I owe them monthly car payments.