Thursday, April 12, 2007

StuckInARut City, Population: Erica

I want to share what's going on, but it's complicated, and some of it is too private for this kind of forum, and frankly, I don't have the words, no matter how many phrases I string into my run-on sentences. I've been in a funk for most of the day, and it's tiring. The deeper you get into it, the more of a rut it becomes, slowly dismantling your resistance to it, conditioning to ignore potential exits in favor of following the negative track you've carved out. It's been a long week, but it's my own fault. I got back from a great experience where my creativity was stimulated. I got back to my (okay, "at times") dull and uncreative life, and I'm frustrated.

It's a conundrum for a learning junkie like myself: expanding my knowledge doesn't actually change my life. I crave remaking myself once I've discovered new things. I feel as though my mind has changed so much so my life must have been totally transformed, but my life is much the same as I left it. Yes, fine, I have the chance to remake it myself with effort and experience. Ah, but the progress is never fast enough, and most of the time I get mired in decisions about how to go about it. I flounder. I get side-tracked. I procrastinate. I get in a funk.

And we're full circle. Circumstances always strike you as harder and more irrevocable in these moods. The old self-help thing about "acting not REacting to life" has some truth to it - if I'm constantly looking at my problems as mountains rained down on me from the heavens then beyond having some serious misgivings about the climate, I'll never get out of the house and clear them away. I can handle most of the things I face daily. So much of what I face is the loneliness of being at home, sans human companions for two-thirds of the day. BUT I KNOW HOW TO DEAL NOW. Anytime I feel overwhelmed, I've stopped acting - calling a co-worker, writing an email, chatting briefly with friends on breaks - and I started reacting by accepting the loneliness as a fact of my day and doing nothing to combat it.

Blah blah same old words blah

So what have I done in an effort to combat the rut by now: finally decided on wall decor for the living room and purchased frames for the scheme, experimented with pasta for dinner, made sure to drink my water for the day, and excised my demons on the Interweb. I guess that's not half bad. What do you do to escape the doldrums?

3 comments:

Mair said...

When I'm stuck in a rut I like to think about how awesome it will be to see some of my best friends in ONE MONTH!

Sarah said...

I have a variety of coping mechanisms...the current being to ride it out and hope to strike land soon. I haven't even had the energy to wash the dishes in two weeks. Ugh. Fortunately a lovely friend with way too much energy is coming to help me (and my pride is at such a low ebb with my spirits that I've agreed to let her) in exchange for dinner this week. Sometimes you just need a helping hand...

And when I want to reinvent myself, I buy new music. :) I did some lovely Amazonning last night.

E.A.P said...

Thanks for the tips, chicas. Both worked pretty well! Hugs!